Grown Ups 2

Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello, and Nick Swardson

The Burpsnart.  What in the blue hell has gone wrong with the 2013 summer movie season, and why has this idiotic concept creeped its way into what some deem entertainment?  Let me explain.  The Burpsnart is a three part act during which a middle-aged loser proceeds to burp, sneeze, and fart in very rapid succession.  It was invented by Kevin James in the 80s love fest Grown Ups 2.  Let that sink in for a moment and then wonder how it has wandered its way into a theater near you.  Ladies and gentleman, the Burpsnart is as low as low-brow humor can go, though it's not for a lack of trying by Adam Sandler and his fellow cast members in Grown Ups 2.

After the events of the first Grown Ups, Lenny Feder (Sandler) and his wife Roxanne (Salma Hayek) decide to move their family to the New England hometown where Lenny and his friends grew up.  With the exception of deer roaming into their home and urinating on them, life is dandy.  Elsewhere in town, Kurt and Deanne McKenzie (Chris Rock and Maya Rudolph) are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, and Kurt has a big surprise gift for his wife.  She has an even larger surprise for him though.  She forgot.  Meanwhile, Eric Lamonsoff (James) is avoiding his wife Sally (Maria Bello) and secretly spending time with his mother.  Finally, Higgy Higgins (David Spade) is getting to know the teenage son he never knew he had with his old flame Hiccups McGee.

It's the last day of the school year.  The kids are ready to get out of class and paint the town all summer long.  In the meantime, the dads are getting into mischief.  Lenny, Kurt, Eric, and Higgy take a school bus for a ride while the driver Nick (Nick Swardson) is as high as a kite.  The four lifelong friends go and do everything mature adults would not do.  The movie follows these four middle-aged men and their nonsensical shenanigans.  What starts with a school bus ultimately ends with one sad 80s party.  Along the way, these old townies infuriate a bunch of frat boys who don't understand that handshakes should be brief.

I was honestly tempted to walk out of Grown Ups 2.  However, I endured.  I endured so that I could be the one to tell you not to go see this mess of a movie. I endured so that I could be the one to tell you that this is truly one disgusting, unfunny excuse for a comedy and an embarrassment to all those who participated in it.  I endured so that I could be the one to tell you that Grown Ups 2 is the worst movie of the year.  In a year where we've seen the iBabe, dancing vacuum cleaners, and a Mandingo party, that's no small feat.  With a ridiculously high and abused bus driver, sickening male cheerleaders, and some of the worst 80s costumes I've ever seen, Grown Ups 2 sucks.  It's just too much.

Despite an abundance of talent, the cast of Grown Ups 2 fails miserably.  Beyond the original cast members, director Dennis Dugan has added an interesting roster of actors who all drop the ball in their own ways.  Somehow, Stone Cold Steve Austin is among these new cast members.  The WWE Hall of Fame superstar portrays Lenny's childhood bully Dennis Cavanaugh.  His rugged brand of humor just doesn't fit in this silly, childish affair.  Twilight veteran Taylor Lautner adds to his filmography of bad movies by playing an overzealous, endlessly irritating frat boy named Andy.  Finally, we have Shaquille O'Neal.  The retired basketball star was in Kazaam.  You don't really need me to detail his horrendous performance in this Adam Sandler movie.  The trailer shows enough with his goofy dancing as Officer Fluzoo.

I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg with how awful Grown Ups 2 is.  I could go on forever about it.  However, I'm in need of the cure to bad movies like this.  That cure is some Jack Daniels.  Get your shot glasses ready.   Grown Ups 2 gets a wasted rating.  Feel free to skip this one.