Your Highness

Directed By: David Gordon Green

Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel

As I begin to wrap up my 2011 retro reviews, I watch each movie with this false sense of hope.  For some reason, I think that I've seen all the crap Hollywood can produce in a single year.  Every time I watch one though, I'm proven wrong as I discover another awful, manufactured Hollywood production.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I should know that there's no cap on crap for studios.  When watching David Gordon Green's Your Highness, I especially should've known better.

Fabious (James Franco) and Thadeous (Danny McBride) are princes of the kingdom ruled by their father Tallious (Charles Dance).  Fabious is a natural hero who, along with his Elite Knights, is revered throughout the kingdom for his victories on the battlefield, while Thadeous is simply his lazy ass brother.  Tallious thinks his son Thadeous needs to prove his grit and show that he's worthy of the crown.  Like his brother Fabious, Thadeous must do this on the battlefield.

When he frees the virgin Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from captivity, Fabious returns to the kingdom and announces his intent to marry her.  He makes his brother Thadeous his best man against the wishes of Boremont (Damian Lewis), the captain of his Elite Knights.  However, Thadeous could care less about the wedding and actually opts to skip it.  He misses all the fun though.  The evil sorcerer Leezar (Justin Theroux) crashes the party and captures the bride Belladonna before she takes her vows.  Now, Fabious must get his hands on the Sword of the Unicorn to kill Leezar and rescue Belladonna.  This is the perfect opportunity for Thadeous to prove his bravery, so his father naturally forces him to join this dangerous quest.

Your Highness is one of those films that has absolutely no purpose.  It's hypersexual.  It's full of countless clich├ęs and cheap graphics.  Most importantly, it's anything but funny.  If this is the best that screenwriters Danny McBride and Ben Best could conjure up, then they should never touch a screenplay again.  This fantasy comedy is an idiotic, pointless piece of crap that left me totally devoid of any satisfaction.

What baffles me most is how director David Gordon Green was able to assemble such a stellar cast for Your Highness.  Why the hell did James Franco and Natalie Portman join this production?  After their respective successes in 127 Hours and Black Swan, one would think their standards would have been just a little higher.  As Fabious, James Franco is worse in this film than he was as the host of the 2011 Academy Awards.  His character is pretty damn irritating.  As the vengeful warrior Isabel, the extremely talented Natalie Portman is nothing more than the resident hot chick on set who just also happens to have no problem kicking some ass.  I have to say I'm thoroughly disappointed in these two actors in particular because they're the two I admire the most among the cast.  Your Highness is a terrible waste of their talents.

All in all, this crappy comedy took away two hours of my life that I'd love to reclaim some day.  You'd have to be completely wasted to find this childish nonsense remotely funny.  Your Highness gets a wasted rating.  Since the film was made in Ireland, go for some Irish Car Bombs if you dare watch this one.