The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Directed By: David Slade

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Billy Burke, and Dakota Fanning

Watching a Twilight sequel is like watching a game of limbo.  As the acting, writing, and directing continue to spiral downward, it's all about how low these teen movies can go.  I have to give it to our trio of stars on their limbo skills.  Every time I think, they can't go any lower, they somehow manage to make the romance a little more nauseating.  They make the plot a little more nonsensical.  They make the film a little more unbearable.  The 2010 film The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is no different as it takes the series to new lows.

While Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are debating the matter of Bella, becoming a vampire, Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is breeding an army of newborns to be led by her new boy toy Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel).  The army of vampires has been bred for one purpose, to kill Bella.  Edward hides this from Bella and takes her to Florida to see her mother, but this doesn't change the fact that a vampire battle is looming.  Werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner), whose unrequited love for Bella is no secret, capitalizes on Edward's deceit to try and win over Bella's heart.  Meanwhile, Charlie Swan (Billy Burke) tries to create some distance between Bella and Edward.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse stands as one of the most illogical films I've ever had the displeasure of watching, and plenty of folks can share the blame for this atrocious movie.  Bad acting seems to be an infectious virus even for actresses like Anna Kendrick and Bryce Dallas Howard.  Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg continues to drop the ball in the writing department.  Finally, director David Slade puts his own brand of bad filmmaking on the series.

The acting is as horrendous as ever in Eclipse.  This love triangle is in full circle, and Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner plague us with a barrage of poorly delivered lines.  Whether there's tension, romance, or bromance, these three manage to annoy the hell out of me.  At some point, their disgraceful performances are laughably bad.  I could honestly keep going, but I think, I've run out of original things to say about how terrible their acting is.

Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg wrote both Twilight and New Moon, so she has a history of bad writing. She's clearly learned nothing from these experiences because Eclipse is the worst one yet.  There's nothing about this plot that really makes sense. Specifically, the love triangle arc is abysmal.  It provides nothing remotely believable.  Ultimately, the storyline perfectly embodies the incoherence of Bella's love life as Edward and Jacob battle for her affections.  For a woman who has committed herself to a vampire, she certainly spends a lot of time with werewolves.  She's saying and doing one thing with Edward, but then keeps going back to Jacob.  She continuously contradicts herself throughout the film and annoys the hell out of me.  Really, this girl should just make a damn decision and stick with it!  While we'd all like Bella to stop being Switzerland and move on with her life, Rosenberg drags this dull romance out entirely too long.  She manages to turn it into a two hour movie.  Rosenberg simply cannot write romances.

Director David Slade shares some of the blame as well. Though I primarily hold the actors and Rosenberg responsible for the poor romance, I lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of Slade for poor action sequences.  There’s a battle with vampires and werewolves in Eclipse.  This sequence has every right to be awesome, but it’s not thanks to Slade.  Instead, this major action sequence is underwhelming at best as Slade does nothing to make this battle epic and worthwhile for the audience.

I could go on forever about why Eclipse is awful.  I won't even discuss Jackson Rathbone's terrible performance or the notion that the wolf pack is willing to put their lives on the line for the life of the girl that keeps rejecting Jacob.  That's just the tip of the iceberg.  The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is a nightmarishly awful film.  Like its predecessors, Eclipse gets a wasted rating.  I'm thinking moonshine might be the only thing in the world that can help you get through this one.