Directed By: Robert Rodriguez

Starring: Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Steven Seagal, Lindsay Lohan, and Don Johnson

B movies can be good for the soul.  Every once in a while, it's good to see a flick with cheesy dialogue, ultra violence, and gratuitous sex.  While that sounds like most of the crap Hollywood puts out today, I'm talking about a special kind of film — not a movie that sucks because of these qualities but one that thrives on them.  I'm talking about a movie like Robert Rodriguez's Machete.

Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo) is an ex-federale living in the United States as an illegal immigrant.  Three years earlier in Mexico, Machete takes a case to rescue a kidnapped girl.  When he rescues the girl, Machete is double-crossed by his former partner Rogelio Torrez (Steven Seagal).  His wife and daughter are murdered in front of him, and he is left for dead in a burning building.

In the present day, Machete is a day laborer who's been helped to adjust to life in America by a secret organization known as the Network.  In particular, a woman named Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) helps him land on his feet.  Machete ends up in a street fight one day with some other illegal immigrants, and a man by the name of Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey) happens to witness it.  Booth sees that he can put Machete to use, so he picks him up.  Booth then makes Machete an offer to kill Texas Senator John McLaughlin (Robert De Niro) for $150,000.  Machete reluctantly agrees to take the job to take out the senator who has made a strong stance against illegal immigrants.

While McLaughlin is making a campaign speech, Machete prepares to take out the senator.  Suddenly, another shooter comes out of nowhere and puts a bullet in McLaughlin's leg.  Now apparently double-crossed by Booth and taking the blame for a shot he didn't make, Machete must flee the scene and escape both Booth's men and the cops.  Meanwhile, Machete is also being pursued by Agent Sartana Rivera (Jessica Alba) of U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement.

Machete is unapologetically irreverent.  It's downright crude.  At times, the film is even tantamount to torture porn.  Regardless of your thoughts on this flick, there's one thing you can't deny about it.  Machete is some damn good entertainment.  Director Robert Rodriguez has crafted something truly special here.  You can see it in the grainy, old school cinematography.  You can hear it in the intentionally cheesy dialogue.  You can feel it as blood and guts fly everywhere on camera.  Machete is hilarious, action-packed, and full of plenty of blasts from the past.

Robert Rodriguez has assembled an all-star cast for this ultra-violent bloodfest, and they all deliver the goods.  I can't talk about every single cast member because that would take all day.  I would like to highlight a few of my personal favorites.  There's no better place to start than with the leading man Danny Trejo. 

Machete marks Trejo's first time in a starring role in a feature film and I have only one thing to say about that.  It's about damn time.  This guy has been in countless supporting roles in a long list of films that include Heat, Halloween, and Spy Kids.  Finally, he gets a role where he really gets to showcase his abilities and talents.  Trejo gives us a silent, sadistic murderer in his character Machete.  His obsession with blunt instruments rivals that of Jason Voorhees, and no one has ever made a weed whacker sound so menacing.  At the same time, he gives us one funny dude.  After all, this guy is enjoying a burrito in the midst of a street fight.

I also have to show some love for Jeff Fahey and Robert De Niro.  As Michael Booth, Fahey gives us a slimy, detestable character.  He also delivers plenty of laughs when giving his two cents on anything to which he is privy.  The television star gives a solid performance as the adviser to the senator.  As Senator McLaughlin, Robert De Niro gives us one hilarious caricature of a Southern politician.  De Niro is surprisingly crafty, consistently funny, and seriously badass.  He's really Rodriguez's secret weapon and my favorite part of the film.

I would be remiss if I didn't comment on the performances by some of the other supporting cast members, particularly Lindsay Lohan, Don Johnson, and Cheech Marin.  As Booth's daughter April, Lindsay Lohan gets to do what she does best, party like a rockstar.  This girl is disobeying her parents, doing drugs, and having wild sex.  This is the perfect character for Lohan.  She's quite believable in this role.  As Von Jackson, the leader of Senator McLaughlin's immigrant-killing vigilantes, Don Johnson gives a hardcore performance.  This vigilante is all about vigilance.  He doesn't mince words, and he shoots to kill.  Finally, I have to show some love for Machete's brother Padre Benicio Del Toro played by Cheech Marin.  It's been awhile since I've seen Cheech on the big screen, but he's always a welcome addition.  Whether this priest is whipping out some Cuban cigars or shooting up his sanctuary with shotguns in hand, he's undeniably entertaining.

Machete is one of the raunchiest, bloodiest films in recent years.  It's also one of the best.  Robert Rodriguez has put together a thoroughly entertaining film.   As the titular character Machete, Danny Trejo gives us delicious carnage and one funny dude.  The all-star supporting cast only makes it better.  You'll only need a wine cooler or two for this one.  Machete gets a 0.03% rating.  Catch this one as soon as you can!