Showing category "0.12% Hard Liquor" (Show all posts)

REVIEW: With A Spinosaurus, A Pterodactyl, & Kirby Enterprises, Jurassic Park III Crashes & Burns Returning to Isla Sorna

Posted by James Brown on Tuesday, January 20, 2015, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Jurassic Park III





Directed By: Joe Johnston

Starring: Sam Neill, William H. Macy, Téa Leoni, Alessandro Nivola, Trevor Morgan, and Michael Jeter

The hardest reality for a Hollywood studio executive to face is that some of the best movies don't require sequels.  Some of the finest in blockbuster cinema include those films that remain untarnished by needless follow-ups.  These films stand on their own.  Though there are few films that meet this standard anymore, they do exist.  The quintessential...
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REVIEW: With Oppressive Capitalist Pigs, Rehabs, & Splatter Punks, RoboCop 3 Finds Itself Completely Outdated

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, February 15, 2014, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
RoboCop 3





Directed By: Fred Dekker

Starring: Robert John Burke, Nancy Allen, Rip Torn, John Castle, Jill Hennessy, Mako, and C. C. H. Pounder

If I thought RoboCop 2 was outdated when it arrived in theaters, you can probably guess what I think about Murphy's third outing in Detroit.  By the time RoboCop 3 arrived in theaters, the science fiction genre had changed forever.  All I need to make my case is that the Tyrannosaurus Rex had already roared on the big screen and elevated our expectations f...
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REVIEW: Failing as a Twisted Romeo and Juliet, The Rage: Carrie 2 is a Bloody Romance Featuring Ralph White's Other Daughter Rachel

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, October 20, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
The Rage: Carrie 2





Directed By: Katt Shea

Starring: Emily Bergl, Mena Suvari, Jason London, and Amy Irving

If the last several decades at the movies have proven anything, they've proven that there's no horror movie that Hollywood won't turn into a sequel or remake.  Whether we're talking about Norman Bates, Leatherface, or Jigsaw, we always know that they'll be back on the big screen sometime down the road once again tainting their legacy.  Of all the mass murderers to grace the big screen, I fi...
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REVIEW: When Hollywood Manager Lenny Feder Plays Arrow Roulette With His Old Friends, Grown Ups Shows Its Immaturity

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, July 11, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Grown Ups





Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, and Maya Rudolph

Adam Sandler's career is one big mystery to me.  How does a guy who makes consistently awful movies continue to flourish as a box office champ?  I just don't understand why people still go to see his movies.  It's a true mystery to me.  That being said, an even greater mystery to me is why other stars sign up to join him in his shenanigans on...
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REVIEW: The Quest for Peace is the Quest to Take Superman to New Lows Entering the Nuclear Arms Race

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, June 1, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace





Directed By: Sidney J. Furie

Starring: Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, Jon Cryer, Sam Wanamaker, Mark Pillow, Mariel Hemingway, and Margot Kidder

DC Comics has been getting spanked by Marvel at the movies.  Just look at Iron Man 3 and how that kicks off Phase 2 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  DC seriously needs to step up their game and leverage the abundance of comic book mythology at their fingertips.  As badly as they're losing...
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REVIEW: The Fast and the Furious Somehow Drifts to Tokyo

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, May 23, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift





Directed By: Justin Lin

Starring: Lucas Black, Sung Kang, Bow Wow, Brian Tee, Nathalie Kelley, Jason Tobin, and Vin Diesel

The Fast & Furious franchise has had a very unusual path to becoming a global box office phenomenon.  The Fast and the Furious was a decent but hardly memorable racing film that had some cool one-liners, hot chicks, and slick 10 second cars.  2 Fast 2 Furious was a solid spinoff starring Paul Walker and a brand new supporting cast.  With...
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REVIEW: In Superman III, Richard Prior Happens to Be a Computer Genius. Seriously???

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, May 4, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Superman III





Directed By: Richard Lester

Starring: Christopher Reeve, Richard Pryor, Jackie Cooper, Marc McClure, Annette O'Toole, Annie Ross, Pamela Stephenson, Robert Vaughn, and Margot Kidder

We've come to the point in this Superman retro series where I have to deliver some harsh truths.  First and foremost, we haven't had a good Superman flick in over 30 years.  It saddens me to say that Superman II was the last great movie about our favorite Kryptonian donning red and blue tights.  Since th...
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REVIEW: Scary Movie 4 Sucks. It Just Sucks...

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, April 13, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Scary Movie 4





Directed By: David Zucker

Starring: Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Craig Bierko, Bill Pullman, Anthony Anderson, Carmen Electra, Chris Elliott, Kevin Hart, Cloris Leachman, Michael Madsen, Phil McGraw, Leslie Nielsen, Shaquille O'Neal, and Molly Shannon

I will always regard Scary Movie 2 as one of the worst movies of all time, but Scary Movie 4 is not far behind it.  Spoofing The Grudge, The Village, and War of the Worlds, David Zucker shows that he’s great at limbo because his second ...
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REVIEW: The Survivors of the Stevenson County Massacre Offer Up an Oversexed and Underdeveloped Sequel in Scary Movie 2

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 30, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Scary Movie 2





Directed By: Keenen Ivory Wayans

Starring: Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Chris Masterson, Kathleen Robertson, David Cross, James Woods, Tim Curry, Tori Spelling, and Chris Elliott

The original Scary Movie started something that is sadly still not finished.  The original filmmakers certainly lied when they said that there would be no sequels.  The fact that Scary Movie 5 is upon us speaks volumes about how wrong that statement unfortunately was.  We've been p...
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REVIEW: Nanomites and All, Duke and Ripcord Don't Rise to the Occasion in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, March 17, 2013, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra





Directed By: Stephen Sommers

Starring: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Dennis Quaid, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ray Park, Lee Byung-hun, and Jonathan Pryce

In recent years, toy maker Hasbro has been intent upon getting all its major product lines on the big screen.  Transformers certainly made sense and has paid big dividends for them (despite declining quality throughout the series).  Battleshi...
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REVIEW: The Cold Ones and the Spirit Warriors Leave a Lot to Be Desired. Nobody Will Imprint on Eclipse

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, November 15, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse





Directed By: David Slade

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Billy Burke, and Dakota Fanning

Watching a Twilight sequel is like watching a game of limbo.  As the acting, writing, and directing continue to spiral downward, it's all about how low these teen movies can go.  I have to give it to our trio of stars on their limbo skills.  Every time I think, they can't go any lower, they somehow manage to make the romance a l...
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REVIEW: In New Moon, the Hole in Bella's Chest is Unpoetic and Uninspiring Altogether

Posted by James Brown on Tuesday, November 13, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon





Directed By: Chris Weitz

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Ashley Greene, Rachelle Lefevre, Billy Burke, Michael Sheen, and Dakota Fanning

"Sometimes you've gotta learn to love what's good for you."
-Charlie Swan (Billy Burke)

That's the wisest thing I've ever heard out of a Twilight movie.  More often than not, however, many of us still love what's not good for us.  Take the Twilight films for example.  They're full of horrendous acting...
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REVIEW: Vampire Baseball Games?! Soap Opera Teen Romances?! Twilight Perverts the Vampire Movie Tradition

Posted by James Brown on Tuesday, November 13, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 

Twilight





Directed By: Catherine Hardwicke

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, and Peter Facinelli

You all know by now that I'm no huge Twilight fan.  I've made this clear time and time again in countless reviews.  That being said, the series will be concluding this month in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2.  The torture is almost over!  Out of what little respect I have for the franchise, I've decided to revisit the Twilight films.  With this in mind, there's no...
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REVIEW: Hanging Up...Throw That One Back

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, August 9, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Hanging Up





Directed By: Diane Keaton

Starring: Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, Lisa Kudrow, Walter Matthau, Adam Arkin, Ann Bortolotti, and Cloris Leachman

Sometimes a movie is so fluffy that I wish it was never made.  I wish that Hollywood had never given the filmmakers a green light to make it, and I wish that I never decided to torture myself by watching it.  This is exactly how I feel about the comedy-drama Hanging Up.  Based on Delia Ephron's book of the same name, Hanging Up is a movie that just n...
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REVIEW: Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill to Fetch a Pail of Crap

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, July 15, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Jack and Jill





Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, and Al Pacino

Adam Sandler's career is a continuous downward spiral that baffles me.  After nearly a decade of constant crap, why is this guy still making movies?  Better yet, why are his films still making money as loyal fans continue to waste their money on the latest and tasteless?  Why do big name stars continue to make appearances in his flicks?  All these questions perplex me because Sandler has not been at his c...
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REVIEW: Step Up 3D Adds a New Dimension to Crappy Filmmaking

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, July 14, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Step Up 3D





Directed By: Jon Chu

Starring: Rick Malambri, Adam Sevani, Sharni Vinson, and Alyson Stoner

"I dance because dance can change things.  One move can set a whole generation free like Elvis.  One move can make you believe like there's something more...and some moves can give a skinny, curly-haired kid, that just wants to dance, some hope."
-Moose (Adam Sevani)

Dance may give Moose hope, but I've lost all hope for the Step Up franchise. As I continue this retro series, director Jon Chu keep...
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REVIEW: Step Up 2 Takes It to the Streets As It Takes the Series to New Lows

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, July 14, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Step Up 2: The Streets





Directed By: Jon Chu

Starring: Briana Evigan, Robert Hoffman, Adam G. Sevani, Will Kemp, and Cassie

Bad movies making money breed more bad movies.  When I heard of Step Up 2: The Streets, I was less than enthused to say the least.  After all, Step Up was nothing more than a mediocre flick.  What good could come of another one of these pointless dance movies?  After having revisited Step Up 2, I've been reminded that I was right.  On the one positive note, the dancing in St...
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REVIEW: Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem Launches an Assault on Good Taste in Movies

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, June 21, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem (AVPR)





Directed By: Colin Strause and Greg Strause

Starring: Steven Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, and John Ortiz

It's always terrible to see a bad movie making money.  When it does, you already know that Hollywood plans to shovel more of the same crap into theaters some time down the road.  After having raped both the Alien and the Predator franchises in the awful flick Alien Vs. Predator, Hollywood decided to have another round of this pointless conflict in Aliens Vs....
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REVIEW: Sanaa Lathan is a Predator's New Best Friend in AVP. Where's the Fear in That?

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, June 7, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Alien Vs. Predator





Directed By: Paul W. S. Anderson

Starring: Sanaa Lathan, Lance Henriksen, Raoul Bova, Ewen Bremner, and Colin Salmon

Crossover films are always hit or miss.  Bringing the main attractions from different franchises together is a very tricky matter.  They can't all be like Freddy Vs. Jason where Jason just comes to Freddy's killing grounds on Elm Street.  When confronting the concept of Alien Vs. Predator, writer-director Paul W. S. Anderson had a lot of work to do.  Given the f...
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REVIEW: Patience Phillips May Land on Her Feet, But Catwoman Lands Flat on Its Ass

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, May 12, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Catwoman





Directed By: Pitof

Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy, and Alex Borstein

After Michelle Pfeiffer's seductive and fiery performance as Catwoman in Batman Returns, there was talk of a spinoff film about the feisty feline starring Pfeiffer and directed by Batman Returns director Tim Burton.  With Batman Forever taking a lighter turn and Joel Schumacher taking Burton's place in the director's chair, the chances of the spinoff happening with B...
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REVIEW: Larry Crowne with an 'E' is One Movie You Shouldn't See

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, May 6, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Larry Crowne





Directed By: Tom Hanks

Starring: Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Cedric the Entertainer, Taraji P. Henson, Pam Grier, Bryan Cranston, and Gugu Mbatha-Raw

He's starred opposite a volleyball named Wilson in a riveting survival drama.  He's played a gay lawyer afflicted with AIDS who struggles to find justice on his death bed.  He's even portrayed a mentally challenged yet charming Southerner who runs across America from one adventure to another.  Tom Hanks is undoubtedly the most likable gu...
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REVIEW: The Heat Is On. Clooney and Schwarzenegger Need to Get Out of the Kitchen in Batman & Robin.

Posted by James Brown on Sunday, May 6, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Batman & Robin





Directed By: Joel Schumacher

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Pat Hingle, and Michael Gough

The on-screen role of Batman was cursed back in the 90s.  Batman was like the Defense against the Dark Arts post at Hogwarts.  Each live action Batman film was headlined by a different guy, and this became increasingly to the detriment of the series.  Michael Keaton reprised his role as the Caped Crusader in the spectacular B...
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REVIEW: Your Highness Needs a Royal Makeover

Posted by James Brown on Saturday, March 17, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Your Highness





Directed By: David Gordon Green

Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel

As I begin to wrap up my 2011 retro reviews, I watch each movie with this false sense of hope.  For some reason, I think that I've seen all the crap Hollywood can produce in a single year.  Every time I watch one though, I'm proven wrong as I discover another awful, manufactured Hollywood production.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I should know that there's no cap on cr...
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REVIEW: Big Momma Needs to Retire

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, March 8, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son





Directed By: John Whitesell

Starring: Martin Lawrence and Brandon T. Jackson

Some movies are so bad that they're fun to watch.  I know going into them that they'll absolutely suck, so I have a few drinks beforehand and have a good time watching them.  Any time Martin Lawrence decides to put on a fat suit and channel his inner Big Momma, I know I'm in for a bad movie.  Only the original film was anywhere near decent.  For Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, I liqu...
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REVIEW: Sucker Punch Wrote a Check With Its Mouth Its Ass Couldn't Cash

Posted by James Brown on Thursday, March 1, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Sucker Punch





Directed By: Zack Snyder

Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens, Jamie Chung, Carla Gugino, Oscar Isaac, Jon Hamm, and Scott Glenn

Hot girls and cool action sequences are not always a cool one-two punch combo for decent popcorn fare.  For every Transformers, there are 99 other films that absolutely sucked.  Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch falls into the category of the crappy 99%.  Snyder substitutes sexy women and elaborate visuals for a coherent story and...
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REVIEW: The Wolf May Be Big But It Ain't Bad in Red Riding Hood

Posted by James Brown on Monday, February 20, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Red Riding Hood





Directed By: Catherine Hardwicke

Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Virginia Madsen, Lukas Haas, and Julie Christie

Now that Hollywood has made just about every comic book movie imaginable, studios are in need of a new gravy train.  They need a new genre to kill.  Studio execs have decided in mass to tackle fairy tales, and they've done nothing to hide it.  We've got two "Snow White" movies in the works this year alone.  There's talk...
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REVIEW: Unknown is Unimpressive

Posted by Zach Davis on Sunday, January 29, 2012, In : 0.12% Hard Liquor 
Unknown
Zach Davis




Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones, Aidan Quinn, Bruno Ganz, and Frank Langella

Movies are a safe haven for the unbelievable and the impossible, and this should never change.  Some movies can take these two things too far, and Unknown is a guilty party in that respect.  Jaume Collet-Serra’s Unknown works around an interesting premise but delivers a predictable plot that gets quite ridiculous at times.  This Liam Neeson action ve...
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